At What Age Can You Leave Your Kids Alone in a Hotel Room?

Other posts by MountainMama

Three-year-old Madeline McCann disappeared from her hotel room at a Portugal resort after her parents left her alone, sleeping, while they ate dinner at an on-site restaurant about 130 yards away.

I thought about this tragic story during my family’s recent stay at Azul Beach near Puerto Morelos, Mexico, earlier this month — but it didn’t dissuade me from leaving my children, ages 7 and 9, in our ground-floor room alone while my husband and I took a 45-minute walk on the beach, and then ate breakfast on our own at a hotel restaurant.

Was this bad?

I don’t think so. Here’s my defense:

  • We put the “Do Not Disturb” signs on the doors, so housekeeping would leave them alone.
  • We closed the sliding glass door, but made sure they knew how to open it.
  • We made sure they knew to call “0″ in an emergency to get the front desk.
  • We checked in on them in between our beach stroll and our breakfast.
  • It’s a tiny resort – just 97 rooms – and they’d found their way around the property within the first hours we were there.
  • We leave them unsupervised together for short periods of time at home — say, when I need to get to a PTA meeting, and my husband is on his way home from work, but still 7 minutes away by car; our relatives live next door and they know Grandma’s cell number (please don’t call social services on us).
  • They’d eaten room service breakfast and were totally occupied watching cartoons.
  • They get along swimmingly, don’t bicker and they watch out for each other.
  • They said they were comfortable with it.
  • The Kids Club wasn’t open yet and I didn’t want to pay $15/hour for a babysitter to sit in our room while our kids watched TV.

I’m thinking about Lenore Skenazy, the mom who let her nine-year-old son take the subway alone in New York City, as well as the wrath she endured afterwards. “What if something had happened!” commenters on her blog said. “Nothing did happen,” she replied. And she knew her son.

I know my kids, and I know what they are capable of handling. Leaving them unsupervised in a secure hotel room (though, we all know not all hotel rooms are totally safe) for 45 minutes at a time was something they could handle and I felt okay about.

Of course, if something did happen to them, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. The guilt would likely send me to a funny farm. But bad things happen at home, too. Kids are snatched from playgrounds or walking to the bus stop. Accidents happen. We can’t envelope our children in bubble wrap all the time. We’ve got to let them spread their wings so they’ll grow into capable, independent adults.

I admit I left my children alone in a hotel room because it was convenient for my husband and me. But we also feel they were mature enough to do just fine on their own. And they did.

What about your children? How old would they have to be to for you to feel comfortable leaving them by themselves in a hotel room? I’m curious what other parents would have done — or what they do — in this situation.

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April 24, 2009 | Filed Under Family Travel, The Cookie Jar 

Comments

32 Responses to “At What Age Can You Leave Your Kids Alone in a Hotel Room?”

  1. Noe says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    I have to say that I absolutely agree with you. Yes, it may be for a selfish reason such as “convenience” for us as parents, but not without making sure that they are comfortable about the whole situation, they have food, they know what to do or who to call in case of an emergency, and it’s really for no more than 45 mins to an hour.

    I do have to say that I feel 3 yrs old is too young to leave alone. Sleeping or not.
    But 7 and 9 “together” alone is fine. Especially if they are mature enough and they watch out for each other.

    Just my thoughts and opinions. :)
    Sorry, forgot to add great post! Can’t wait to see your next post!

  2. Enjoying Travel With Kids says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    Yes, I think it depends on the kids and how they feel about it. I know that our kids (at ages 5 and 8) certainly wouldn’t be up to it, and it would probably make them feel quite scared. So we don’t even go there. One day, they’ll be ready, but not yet.

  3. CajunMama says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    I’m the overprotective mama and know what our local laws are. I’d love to find out if this is nation-wide, or just where I live, but it is illegal to leave a child alone under the age of 10 and a child has to be 12 to watch children under 10.

    That being said, it totally depends on the child. 45 minutes isn’t too long, but all afternoon would be stretch it. I know my son (who is almost 13 now)hasn’t ever had an issue with being alone for any period of time. Now, Little CajunMama is a whole ‘nother story. She can’t stand being in a room by herself, even with people home, so leaving her in a hotel room isn’t even an option.

    Bottom line: Know your kids and don’t ask too much of them, but do let them spread their wings.

  4. MountainMama says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    Thanks for your comments!

    Enjoying Travel with Kids: I am assuming your kids are “5 and 8″ not “5 and smiley face.” That same emotion was created whenever I used to do 8 with parentheses. Glad my older is 9 now! :-)

    Cajun – In our community, the guideline is no child under 12 left alone. I don’t think it’s a law, but I remember when I interviewed a community safety officer for a story a while ago, that’s what he tells parents who call his office and ask. That feels old to me. I think a 10 year old could absolutely spend an afternoon by him/herself. I like that rule of “must be 12 to watch kids under 10″ though.

  5. Elliott Ng says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    Depends on the hotel, the country, the specific location. This is a tough issue…I wouldn’t leave my 7 and 3 y o’s alone for more than 30 min in the hotel room and I wouldn’t leave the resort. Maybe when my oldest is 9 things will be a bit different! Interesting question you pose!

  6. MarthaAndMe says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    Personally, I prefer not to leave them. I remember being left alone in a hotel room when I was about 11 and I was terrified. Not to mention, I was completely bored. We go on vacation to spend time with our kids, so we do everything together. That’s just what works for us and I think everyone has to do what is right for their own family.

  7. Micha Einsberg says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    First of all GRATS for your blog, it is very interesting.
    About this issue, 3 things:

    - Maddie had at that time 3 years. Her twin brothers about 1; is not undone the mystery of his disappearance: kidnapping or Involuntary manslaughter.Considering that this happened in one of the safest countries in the world.
    - It´s quite different to leave a kid of three or nine years alone.
    - I wouldn’t be able to live with myself, if something did happen. So i wouldn’t even try.

  8. Leigh Caldwell says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    I agree that it depends on the children and the situation. Age is just a number… You obviously know your kids, and you know that they were totally fine with it. I think it’s perfectly acceptable at their age, especially when you are close by.

    And, frankly, I’m looking forward to the day when mine are old enough for me to get even 45 minutes away with my husband on a family vacation. :)

  9. ruth pennebaker says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    I think you’re brave to air this issue. It’s something parents need to think about and decide for themselves. The truth is, you CAN be overprotective and stunt your kids’ development; sounds to me as if you know your children and the surroundings quite well and made a reasonable decision.

  10. Judith Stock says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    This is an issue that needs public attention. Good for you. it will make parents stop and think.

  11. marina villatoro says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    I think from when we were younger the world has changed a lot! I wouldn’t leave my child alone until he was probably in his early teens, and even then I have my doubts. There are just way too many sickos out there these days. I may be paranoid, but what happened to Madeline is to creepy. And who knows who is keeping an eye on your kid, waiting for the perfect moment. I might be crazy, so I simply keep my child with me. Plus, these days a lot of wonderful hotels have great kid activities where you can be sure they are in safe hands and that would be the perfect opportunity to do some adult time.

  12. Melanie says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    You are the only one who truly knows if your kids are ok with this. If you think they are fine – then that’s great!

    We have only ever left my step daughter alone once – when she was 13 in Australia last year. The new Twilight book had just come out – she had no desire to go anywhere but to read that book – so My husband and I left her there with her book, room service and a phone number of where we were going to be. – We phoned in to check on her and she had a great time.

    The only reason before we hadn’t left her alone is that we wanted to spend time with her. We only get vacation time every other vacation with her.

    I think it is each to their own.

  13. DesertMama says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    I love all of these comments on the subject. My kids are so little it’s not even a topic of conversation. I don’t ever remember leaving the older boys, my stepsons(now teens). Today they’re old enough to have their own room, so it’s not an issue either.

  14. Liz says:
    April 24, 2009 at

    I suppose it depends on the kids and their ages.

    I don’t judge you for leaving your kids and needing a break. I do have a cautionary tale however,

    When I was 12 or 13 I went away with my parents we stayed in a hotel in Reno Nevada. One night they went out to see a show. I stayed in the room and then went to sleep without incident.

    However, when we all woke up in the morning, I found my dads jeans on the floor in front of the door. It was not at all like my dad to leave his jeans on the floor. I asked him why he left them there and he said he hadn’t! Much to our dismay, we realized someone had entered our room WHILE WE WERE SLEEPING and robbed us! My mom had a tote bag stolen with a checkbook in it, my dad had a camera and his wallet taken. Later that day the hotel security found the tote bag in another room (that faced ours so we think they were watching our room ) and it turned out to be people who worked at the hotel. THEY HAVE THE KEYS AFTER ALL….

    I hate to be paranoid but I think its important to be extra careful with children. 15 dollars for a sitter seems cheap in this light.

    I probably would go through a bonded insured babysitting agency and get a real break if I needed one (and have done so before).

    Also, use the DEAD BOLT on the door. I am not sure why in the world my parents hadn’t used ours that night.

    Strange things can happen. Why risk it?

  15. Keith says:
    April 25, 2009 at

    I don’t think I’d take the chance with a 3 year old … but, an older kid, say, 8 or 9, is okay, providing he/she can contact you quickly if there’s a problem.

    Coicidentally, I’ve just been watching ‘Swallows and Amazons’ on TV (made in 1974; set in 1929) and thought about how social workers, etc. today would throw up their hands in horror at the thought of kids that age making their own amusement, and sailing and camping unsupervised!

  16. Marilyn says:
    April 25, 2009 at

    Each parent should know what their family and children can bear. When my children were your kid’s ages (ok – it was 30 years ago) – this would not have been a big deal. They walked down to playgrounds, they rode bikes alone outside til dinner time. I’m sure even in hotel rooms, we went down to dinner and left them sleeping. Nowadays, not so much. Bad people are watching and just waiting for us to slip up especially in hotels and motels where they know we are cornered.

    With that said, however, I think we have to stop being afraid of life. Right, things happen. With or without your constant watchful eye. Children need to live, we need to live and if it means occasionally taking care of ourselves instead of someone else — then, that’s what we do!

    In a way, I applaud you for covering your bases and trusting your instincts. You have given your children a gift of trust and confidence, not fear!

    By the way, 7 and 9 nowadays is 11 and 13 years ago.

  17. MountainMama says:
    April 25, 2009 at

    Again, thanks for all the comments & insight.

  18. trina says:
    April 25, 2009 at

    Hi

    Two things strike me here; the first that all the Moms who have suggested leaving children depends on the children love their children and second that they have all put a tremendous responsibility on these children.

    No child of the ages we are talking about should be left in a hotel room unattended for any reason, at any size hotel for any amount of time. The case of the Portugal girl is irrelevant because it was so irresponsible but many incidents short of kidnapping happen to children unattended in lots of places that we never hear about. Better is to go to a hotel that has babysitting services or don’t take the 45 minute walk. I say this not in judgement of parents but in defense of children.

  19. marina villatoro says:
    April 26, 2009 at

    I totally agree with Trina. These days, you can not leave your child unattended for even a quarter of a second! Plus, with so many great hotels offering babysitting services, why risk it!

  20. Vera Marie Badertscher says:
    April 26, 2009 at

    I would have been afraid to leave my three boys alone at that age. Mostly for fear of what would happen to the hotel room, rather than to them! But I congratulate you for bringing up the subject. From the number of comments, obviously it has struck a nerve.
    When we took kids on family vacations, it was because we wanted to do things together, anyway.
    One year we took a neighbor teen with us to watch the boys while we did a couple of adult things. That worked very well.

  21. Angie says:
    April 26, 2009 at

    I would not leave my children alone in a hotel room. I have been writing crime reports for years and know how many bad things can happen. No matter how mature children are, they are just children. Their judgment is not the same as ours. I’m not judging anyone who makes a different choice. I just know that I wouldn’t enjoy myself if my children were alone in the hotel room. I would be worried the entire time I was gone.

  22. Jennifer Margulis says:
    April 27, 2009 at

    I remember reading that in the part of Oregon where I live, it is illegal to leave children under 10 home alone. I wonder if there were legal issues where you were? That said, I do think it’s totally okay to leave your kids for 45 minutes! If they were okay with it, and you have raised them responsibly, it seems like there was no harm done. And if there had been (either to the hotel room or to your kids), I would not have blamed you.

    Did you read about the mom in Scarsdale, NY who was arrested for leaving her bickering children 3 miles from home (they were driving)? I think we may be going a little too far with this blame-the-parent mentality.

  23. Linda says:
    April 28, 2009 at

    As my kids approach those ages (the boys are now 6 and 8), it seems very young to me. I don’t think of myself as being overprotective, and we live in a very safe area, but my kids have never been home alone yet.

    I don’t know when I’ll leave them alone, but I think I’d be even more reluctant to leave them in a hotel room than I would be at home.

    I’m glad to see the comments here have been varied yet civil. :-)

  24. Jennifer says:
    April 29, 2009 at

    I never thought I’d leave my kids alone in a hotel room, but we did this last January.

    At one resort in Thailand, our oldest daughter (11 years) was sick with the flu. We left her in the room, with the door bolted and she had one of our cell phones with her. She did great and we were just 50 yards away eating.

    At another resort, our 9 year old got sick. We did the same thing for her; had her bolt the door behind us and left her with a cell phone while we went downstairs to eat. She called us once and we called her once. She was fine.

    Would I leave the resort with my kids in a room…NO. But they were comfortable with it and so was I….I think you have to know your kids and if they can handle it.

  25. MountainMama says:
    April 29, 2009 at

    I agree, Linda. What a pleasure to have varying opinions that have all been delivered with respect.

    I love TravelingMamas.com readers!

  26. Bridget Smith says:
    April 29, 2009 at

    This is a hard one. I’ve let my son stay home alone for small periods (started with 15minutes) since he was about 8.5. I’ve even had hime watch one of his younger siblings, either sleeping or occupied with TV.

    I haven’t done a hotel room though. It concerns me that others have keys to my room, and it just seems too public a place. It is easy for any observer to see the adults go in and out. I don’t even like to think about having the kids in a separate hotel room when we travel due to the doors that go directly to the hall. For now, since we have three kids, we do alot of sneaking someone in.

  27. wandermom says:
    May 2, 2009 at

    My kids are 4yrs apart (currently 8 and 12). Leaving them alone in hotel rooms has become a huge treat for us on vacations in the past year or two. Could I have left them alone when they were younger? No. I think it depends both on the maturity of the children and the age of the youngest child.
    But then again, my husband and I are both Irish, as are many of our friends. We come from large, mainly catholic families who mostly grew up in low-to-middle-income rural circumstances. The houses we grew up in were all heated by open coal fires and each of us regularly watched many younger siblings while our parents were out of the house. In our vernacular, “at least there’s no coal fire” (when talking about leaving children alone at home or in hotel rooms) is shorthand for “hey, they’re much safer than we were”!!

  28. Get A Trip says:
    May 10, 2009 at

    Travelling with kids is always a challenge, but especially in new and foreign areas you have to twice as vigilent. Every situation is different, but just remember our kids need our protection and we need our space occasionally too– so the happy medium would seem to mean take that 45 minute break during the day, not a late night stroll, leaving them alone in a hotel room. It is all age dependent too.

  29. Nervous Nellie says:
    June 7, 2009 at

    Kudos to all who have commented. It’s so nice to read comments from level-headed, non-judgemental people. I have two small girls (2 1/2 and 1) and I’ve only been away from the oldest when I gave birth to the little one. We haven’t even spent a night away as a couple yet! You guys give me so much hope that we’ll be able to travel and make good decisions for our family. Of course, when we’re comfortable!

  30. lisa says:
    June 10, 2009 at

    I’m with Angie on this. I couldn’t leave children of any age in a motel room
    unsupervised. Because they are just that. Children. We need to protect our children as much as we can, even if it is constantly going out of our way to do that. It doesn’t have anything to do with how “smart “we think our children are..
    or if we think they are “comfortable” with it. Please do not take chances with our children. Get a sitter, and then go be carefree!

  31. Michele Bauer says:
    August 17, 2009 at

    As parents, our job is to help children grow into independent adults. This requires that we gradually provide growing amounts of responsibility and autonomy. Age and intelligence do matter. In fact, they are crucial in determining how to react and guide our children. The law requires that we act as reasonable people under the circumstances. Certainly a 7 year old child who is happily watching a movie or television program in a locked hotel room while the parents walk 200 yards away for an hour or two is within the realm of reasonable behavior.

    I provided my child with a cell phone to call me, instructions not to leave or open the door for anyone and to enjoy her movie. She requested to remain in the room and watch rather than join the adults. She called once or twice to make contact. She knew where we were and was not afraid. She joined us for desert. She felt independent and proud and had a good time.

    It is true, bad things happen and not all people are good. However,these are the exceptions and not the rule. We must help our children learn to live life sensibly and without fear, growing into confident mature adults able to navigate situations and embrace the world around them.

  32. Dawn says:
    September 8, 2009 at

    I am wondering what age everyone thinks is appropriate for a kid to be in the OCEAN by themselves. My ex let our 10 yr old go down to the beach and in the ocean with his girlfriends 15 yr old son. I was a little shocked, as I always insist on an adult being on the beach while my son is out there. Of course my ex thinks its no big deal, so I am just wondering if others feel I’m over protective in this situation.

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